Deep Down: Lockhart Brothers #1

I’m falling.
Faster.
Further.
Deeper.

Sometimes you fall so hard you can’t get back up. My closest companions now are shame and loss. But a sliver of hope lies in the only person I have left in this world – the one who’s growing inside me.

Survival becomes living again because of my child, and the town where I begin anew. That’s where I meet the man who starts to melt the ice inside my heart.

As we get closer, reminders of my past become sharper. Clearer. To confront the pain, I have to discover what’s deep down inside me. Is there enough left there to become whole again, or am I too wounded to heal?

Ivy

 It happened without warning on a quiet, snowy January day. Or maybe there had been signs that I’d ignored because they were too painful to acknowledge. Either way, the course of my life was changed that day. After it was over I just remember watching the snowflakes through my open bedroom window. Falling silently from the sky, they were the closing curtain on eighteen years of trusting that all people were inherently good.

-----------------------

It was the first day back from the winter break and I was wrapped up in the excitement that filled the hallways of Lexington High School. There was an unspoken energy circulating around those of us who were seniors.

Home stretch, baby. The last semester of high school is underway. Your future starts now.

And, for me, this new term couldn’t end soon enough. My mom’s death this past September had plunged me into a deep sadness I still hadn’t fully emerged from. Over the course of the past four months I’d gotten good at plastering on a phony smile to let everyone know I’d moved on. Putting this school year behind me would be more sweet than bitter. Sure, I had great friends I’d miss when I went off to college in the fall. And dance team…for sure I would miss that. Most of all, I would miss my boyfriend Levi, but somehow I knew that once high school was over I really would be able to move on. 

A warm, familiar arm wrapping around my waist from behind made me break out in a genuine grin.

“How was your day, baby?” Levi asked, pulling me against his side as we walked down the hall. 

“Good. You?”

He shrugged. “Everybody’s talking about graduation. It hasn’t seemed close until now.”

“Did you get those scholarship essays done?”

“Yep.” He pulled me a little closer, steering me away from a cluster of loud underclassmen who were about to run me over.

“Am I riding with you today? I can catch a ride home with Sami if you’re lifting weights after school.”

He leaned down and kissed my temple. “The only weight I’m interested in right now is yours on top of me.”

I held back a smile. Our after school make out sessions were one of Levi’s favorite things. But between the time off his parents and my dad had taken over the holiday break, we hadn’t gotten much time alone. 

“I have to start reading for my English project,” I said, giving him a warning look.

His expression clouded and he pulled his arm away from me. “Sure. Whatever.”

“I don’t mean as soon as I get home. I’ve got an hour or so free.”

“How nice.” Levi rolled his eyes, refusing to look at me. 

“Today’s the only day I don’t have dance,” I said. “And this is a huge project. I’m not losing my 4.0 now. Not after I managed an A in Calc last semester even with everything with my mom.”

My voice was thick with emotion. Levi sighed and reached for my hand.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just sometimes it feels like you don’t care about anything but school stuff. It’s not easy, you know, being with a virgin—”

“Could you say that a little bit louder?  I know the halls are crowded and noisy, but there’s a chance someone might have missed it.”

“Very funny, Ivy. Everyone knows. There are only a handful of virgins left in our class and we all know who they are.”

“That doesn’t mean anyone needs to overhear my boyfriend griping about it.”

“I’m not griping. I’m just saying that sometimes it seems like we only mess around because I want to.”

This time it was me sighing with exasperation. He was right – I did sometimes let him feel me up and grind against me through our clothes just to placate him. My mind wandered during those make out sessions. I’d think about my homework, the Stanford campus, dance routines I was working on. Sometimes I thought about my mom. Those were the times I’d cling to Levi and fight back the tears. He always took it as a sign that I was into whatever he was doing, but really I just craved the comfort.

“I want to, okay?’ I said with an edge. “But I have a ton of homework. Calc is kicking my butt.”

“I’ll make it better.” Levi winked and returned his arm to my waist. “I know how to take your mind off everything.”

We’d made it to the concrete steps outside the school, and I wrapped my coat around me to block out the icy Michigan wind. Levi jogged down the stairs and I rushed to keep up with him. He was still in prime shape from football season. I was in great shape from dance, but I didn’t have his long legs and ability to fly down the stairs without tripping.

“My nuts are frozen,” he grumbled as we got in his tiny sports car. 

I cranked up the heat as he pulled out of the parking lot. When I looked up, my friend Regina was waving wildly from several cars away. I blew her a kiss and waved back.

“Is it true she fucked McAllister over break?” Levi asked.

I shrugged. It was true, from what she’d told me, but she’d asked me not to repeat it.

“So …” Levi tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “We’ve kinda talked about this, but I haven’t officially asked. I’m hoping you’ll go to prom with me?”

“Of course I will,” I said, smiling at his uncertainty. We’d started dating right before prom last year so this would be our second time going together.

“And, uh …” He tapped a little faster. “I mean, rooms will be booking up, so … I was thinking of getting us a room at a hotel …”

My stomach flipped nervously. In a rare moment of impulsiveness, I’d suggested to Levi that we could have sex for the first time on prom night. We were both eighteen. We loved each other. And even though I was going to college in California and he was going to a state school here in Michigan, it still felt right. 

“Yes,” I said. “Go ahead and get one. I’ll split the cost with you.”

He reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Ivy. I’ve got the room. I want it to be a special night since it’s your first time.”

Levi wasn’t a virgin. He’d been with three girls already when we’d started dating. And other than the grumbling, he’d been patient. 

“Let’s go to your house,” he said, stroking a thumb across my palm. “My mom’s working from home today. I won’t stay long since you’ve got homework.”

Had I picked up this morning? I was pretty sure I’d deposited the half dozen empty beer cans dad had left on the counter last night into the trash can. He’d taken up drinking after mom died, and since he mostly did it at home, it wasn’t something anyone but me knew about. And I wanted to keep it that way. It would just make people feel sorry for both of us, and I didn’t want that.

“Dad’s working ‘til five,” I said. 

“I’ll be gone long before that. You must know I’m crazy into you since I’m willing to risk making out with a cop’s daughter right on his couch.”

“I’m eighteen, Levi. I’m pretty sure my dad thinks I’m sleeping with you anyway.”

“What?” He gave me a horrified glance.

“He’s made comments.”

“Oh, shit.”

I squeezed his hand reassuringly. “Most eighteen-year-olds have sex. My parents were nineteen when they got married. And my dad likes you.”

“Yeah, but …”

“Relax. He’ll only shoot you in the leg if he catches us. Nothing fatal.”

“That’s not funny, Ivy.”

I laughed at his nervousness. My dad had never been the intimidating type of police officer. He was laid back and happy most all the time. At least he had been before mom died. Like me, he still seemed to be struggling to find a normal without her in it. And the way he’d started looking at me when he made comments about me and Levi, his eyes dark and his voice sounding almost jealous, well … that hadn’t been the case when Mom was alive.

Levi turned onto my street and I pulled out my phone to check messages. I didn’t have much to look at, since most of my friends had been in school with me.

When Levi groaned, I looked up. “What?”

He nodded at my driveway as he slowed his car. “Looks like your dad’s not working after all.”

I saw my dad’s marked squad car and scrunched my face in confusion. Dad never left work early. Was he sick? A wave of unease passed over me. Mom had been fine until suddenly feeling sick one day. A bacterial infection had taken her life in just three short weeks.

“Wanna go park instead?” Levi asked.

“Uh, no. I think I need to go make sure my dad’s okay. He’s been … kind of off lately.”

He turned into the driveway, parked and gave me a perfunctory kiss. 

“You’re worth waiting for,” he said, smiling. His compliment aggravated me, because I knew I was worth waiting for and I was tired of being reminded of it like he was some kind of saint for keeping his pants zipped.

“I’m riding with Regina in the morning,” I said.

“OK, text me later.”

I nodded and stepped out of the car, waving as he backed out of the driveway. I made the trip to our street side mailbox in a hurry, flipping through the stack of bills as I walked up to the garage door keypad and typed in the code.

The ‘S’ logo on a return address grabbed my attention. Stanford. I’d already been accepted, but every letter from my future school brought on a fresh wave of excitement. I was getting out of Lexington. Hopefully a new place would be a fresh start, without the sadness that followed me everywhere here. And Stanford had been Mom’s dream for me. 

I tore into the envelope as the garage door creaked its way up. 

Dear Miss Gleason,

We are pleased to inform you that you are the recipient of the Thomas and Viola Stringer Memorial Scholarship.

My heart pounded wildly as I read the words which were soon blurred by tears. I’d gotten it. Somehow, I’d gotten an academic scholarship that would fund all tuition, room and board for my freshman year. And, if I got good grades, it was renewable. 

I blinked and tears dropped onto my cold cheeks. Dad wouldn’t have to work overtime to afford my tuition. That thought had been weighing on my mind and this news made me feel about twenty pounds lighter. Dad would be so proud of me. Finally we had something to celebrate.